My Matthew

So last Thursday was 5 months since my wonderful cousin passed away. I went to his grave today because I had not been in a few months and I needed to just talk to him. It feels weird saying all of the things that I should have said to him when he was alive now that he is gone. I never wanted him to feel like I looked at him any different than anyone else and I guess that is why I never told him how I truly felt about him. Not only was he my hero but he was the one that I looked up to because no matter the outcome of anything he always kept a smile!! When I got married 2 years ago I wanted him in my wedding. When I called to ask him I could tell that he was happy that I asked him but also not happy at the same time because he had to wear a "monkey suit". But of course he got measured and dressed up all nice for me, and doing that meant so much . He was my right hand man, literally!! We made a pact that we would always be there for each other when the other needed "an extra hand". It still breaks me apart inside that I was not there to hold his hand and tell him that it would all be okay the day that he passed away. But maybe it was gods wish that I not see him in that state and that was the reason that things happened the way that they did. I did make sure that everyone there told him how much I loved him and the reason that I was not there with everyone. I will always remember that he told me that no one understood him like I did and that with each others sides we were complete!! Now that he is gone I feel a part of myself is gone also. I had a dream about him about a week after he passed away. In my dream he was about six feet tall and he looked wonderful. He also told me that he had spoke to Jesus and because I was having such a hard time with his death that he had okayed it with Jesus and I can see him through the side gates of heaven. I remember in my dream that I just kept looking at him and could not believe what changes had occurred since he had passed. He told me that is what heaven does to you, it makes you normal! I knew that he would never need me again. But of course my wonderful Matthew reassured me that he would always need me and that even though he was gone physically he would always be there for me also. I love him very much and miss him every day of my life. I look forward to the day many many many years from now when I will be able to see my angel again and give him the biggest hug and just tell him that I love him!!!